I have decided I would like to take over Dear Abby’s job. Think what a cushy, well-paying job that would be. She didn’t even originate the column, she inherited it from her mother (the real Dear Abby) after her mother died. She gets to sit back and have her secretary peruse the myriad of letters that people send her asking for advice—as though she has the wisdom of Solomon. I’m not sure who died and made her an expert on everything. Oh, wait, her mother, the original Dear Abby. I can count her recommendations on one hand, which makes it fairly easy to advise people when there are only so many responses one can give. But have you ever read some of the letters asking her for help? I mean, seriously, some people either need to get a life or a brain.

One woman in this morning’s column wrote asking for help regarding her live-in boyfriend who is eighteen years younger than she, who moved a younger woman into her apartment just for sex but is now becoming more involved with her. She loves him so much and doesn’t want to lose him. What should she do?

Duh! Did she really need to write to Dear Abby to get the obvious answer?

The second letter was written by someone upset about how people are stuck in their phones and won’t converse with them.

Okay, Abby agrees with this writer. So what? How is Abby supposed to make the people who associate with this person put down their phones and interact with them more? How about this writer simply speak up and ask people to put down their phones rather than write to Dear Abby?

A letter last week was written by a woman who was miffed because she spends a lot of time creating desserts from scratch, and every time a certain woman comes to an event at their house, she asks if the dessert was made from a mix. She feels insulted.

Is this the most dire problem this poor woman faces? I would like to think so, but apparently, this situation upsets her so much she has to write to Dear Abby for advice. In a similar thread, another woman was insulted because she spends hours preparing delicious meals for guests and someone (gasp) always reaches for the salt shaker before tasting the food first. Yikes! You would think this problem rated right up there with discovering she had a terminal disease, her husband had another wife and three kids in another city, she lost everything she owned in a hurricane, or her dog died.

Earlier this week, a woman wrote in because her daughters have ceased communication with her.

What’s Abby supposed to do? Order the daughters to speak to their mother? Here, she gives her usual advice about trying to find out what caused the rift.

Another man asks if he is obligated to organize a 50th anniversary party for his wife who has Alzheimer’s.

Does he really need Abby’s permission to forego a party he doesn’t want to have? What if Abby tells him a party is mandatory?

Another one from this week concerns a woman who was vacationing with her sister when she saw some unflattering texts about her on her sister’s phone. She doesn’t want to travel with her sister again.

Okay, so don’t travel with her again. Or else don’t look at her phone. Problem solved.

A woman writes in about her married lover of ten years who won’t leave his wife. What should she do? Is there any hope for a future with this man?

Again, does she really need Abby to point out the obvious? As for a future with this man, um, NO! Even if the guy finally decides to leave his wife and marry her (which seems highly unlikely after ten years), she’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.

Abby’s advice generally consists of only a few solutions:
1. Talk to the offending party to let them know they’ve offended you or what you’ve done to offend them.
2. Get counseling.
3. Do you really want to stay with this horrible person? Dump them now! If you’re married to them, speak to an attorney first.
4. Talk to your doctor.
5. You’re not going to change the other person’s behavior, so either learn to live with it or avoid them.

There. In a nutshell, I can be Dear Abby. Where do I apply?