Last Monday, Americans celebrated Memorial Day—a time to pause and remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in military service. Memorial Day is meant to be a solemn occasion. We honor sacrifice. We attend parades. We place flags on graves. We reflect on freedom and patriotism.

And apparently… we buy mattresses.

I don’t know exactly when somebody in corporate America looked at a solemn national holiday honoring fallen soldiers and thought, “You know what this occasion needs? Seventy percent off pillow tops.”

But here we are.

Somewhere along the line, Memorial Day became less about remembrance and more about hearing a man in a television commercial scream, “COME ON DOWN TO BOB’S SLEEP EMPORIUM WHERE FREEDOM MEANS SAVING BIG ON ADJUSTABLE BASES! THIS WEEKEND ONLY! QUEEN SETS STARTING AT $299!” Every commercial follows the same formula: Explosions. Fireworks. Bald eagle. American flag waving majestically in slow motion. Dramatic patriotic music. Evidently, buying a mattress is now an act of national pride. Nothing says “God Bless America” quite like free delivery and two complimentary pillows.

But would someone please explain to me what exactly the connection between military sacrifice and discount bedding is? Did George Washington cross the Delaware so we could finance a king-size mattress for 48 easy payments? Was Betsy Ross stitching the first flag while saying, “This would pair nicely with memory foam?” Was our nation really founded on the principle that no citizen should pay full retail for a mattress?

I especially dislike the urgency of these sales. Apparently, mattresses are only seasonal NOW. Stores act like the entire nation is one bad night’s sleep away from disaster. “Hurry! Sale ends Tuesday!” Well, naturally. Because after Memorial Day, mattresses apparently return to their natural habitat, where they roam freely at full retail price—at least until the Fourth of July.

But honestly, has anyone in human history ever paid full price for one? I’m convinced mattress stores survive entirely on fake emergencies. Nobody wakes up and says, “Honey, cancel our plans. This is the only weekend we can save $4,000 on something covered with fitted sheets.”

And mattress shopping itself is weird. It’s the only retail experience where lying down with your shoes on in front of strangers is considered perfectly normal. You stretch out awkwardly while a salesperson hovers three feet away, watching you evaluate firmness.

“How does that feel?”

“Sir, I don’t know. I’ve known this mattress for twelve seconds. I’m not emotionally prepared for this level of commitment.”

Meanwhile, your spouse is on the neighboring mattress, bouncing experimentally like a toddler in a bounce house while seriously discussing lumbar support.

At this point, I fully expect every holiday to become associated with completely unrelated merchandise.

Presidents Day? Recliners.
Veterans Day? Hot tubs.
Labor Day? Air fryers.
Arbor Day? Fifty percent off patio furniture made entirely from trees.
Groundhog Day? Discount window blinds.

Still, despite the absurdity, Americans love a sale. We can turn absolutely anything into an excuse for discounts and food. After watching the Memorial Day parade and reflecting on the sacrifices made for our freedom, we relish the freedom to head to Walmart for paper towels and a rotisserie chicken.

But this year, once again, on Memorial Day, I took the time to remember the heroes who gave their lives for our country—all without acquiring a queen-size mattress and two memory foam pillows.