I went to Walmart the other day to buy cat food, a greeting card, and a few things I didn’t know I needed until I walked through the front door. At checkout, the cashier smiled and asked, “Do you follow us on Facebook?”

I stared at her. “Follow Walmart?”

“Yes.”

Now, I like Walmart just fine, but I’ve never felt the urge to keep up with its daily activities. I don’t wake up in the morning wondering what Walmart is doing today.

Apparently, however, everyone wants followers these days. The hardware store wants me to follow them. The local chicken restaurant wants me to follow them. The dentist wants me to follow them. Even the tire store wants me to follow them. Why? What exciting content could possibly be coming from the tire store?

“Breaking news! Tire #3 has completed three rotations and is feeling optimistic about the future.”

Or perhaps: “Employee of the Month Kevin successfully installed seventeen tires today without crying.”

Then there are convenience stores. Seven-Eleven wants followers. What exactly would I be following? A Slurpee’s journey of self-discovery? The emotional struggles of a hot dog that’s been rolling on those heated metal rods since the Biden administration?

“Day 437: Gary the Hot Dog remains hopeful that today is the day someone will finally choose him.”

Restaurants are no better. Every time I buy a sandwich, someone says, “Follow us on Facebook!”

I just ordered lunch. I didn’t adopt you. I don’t need hourly updates. “Look! Another cheeseburger!”

I once saw a carpet-cleaning company that posted motivational quotes. What life wisdom are they qualified to share? “Don’t let anyone walk all over you. Unless they’re wearing clean shoes.”

Even my veterinarian’s office wants followers. As a retired veterinarian, I understand marketing, but I don’t know that people are sitting around eagerly awaiting updates on vaccinations and stool samples. “Like and subscribe for this week’s exciting parasite report!”

Meanwhile, Facebook itself keeps suggesting businesses for me to follow. “People like you follow these pages.” Really? What people? Who are these individuals spending their evenings scrolling through updates from Bob’s Discount Muffler Shop? I imagine them sitting in a dark room, anxiously refreshing their screens. “Come on, Bob. Post another muffler picture.”

The strange thing is that some people actually do follow these pages. Thousands of them. Apparently there are people who genuinely care when a bank gets a new ATM. Or when a tire store receives a shipment of radial tires. Or when Walmart announces that avocados are twenty-three cents cheaper this week.

Maybe I’m the odd one. Maybe social media has evolved beyond my understanding. Maybe somewhere out there, a woman is breathlessly waiting for an update from Tractor Supply. Maybe she’s sitting on her couch right now thinking: “I hope they post another picture of feed buckets.”

As for me, I’m reaching my limit. I really don’t need a personal relationship with Walmart. The next time someone asks me to follow their business on Facebook, I may ask if they’ll follow me instead. I have two orange cats, a husband with many quirks, and enough embarrassing stories to keep them entertained for years. Honestly, my page is far more exciting than theirs.

And unlike Gary the Seven-Eleven hot dog, I’m still hopeful someone will choose me.