By Tom & Jerry, Orange Overlords of the Fannon House

We’ve hijacked Mom’s computer to address a few household matters because, quite frankly, things have slipped around here.
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Tom here: I’m the dignified one. Regal. Mature. Majestic, even. Jerry is… well, he’s around.

Jerry: EXCUSE me? I’m fun-sized. I bring spice. You bring naps.

Tom: Exactly. I bring peace. You bring chaos. Like the time you settled in the basket of clean laundry, not only shedding everywhere, but ending up wearing a pair of Mom’s underpants like a superhero cape.

Jerry: It was a statement. Art, even. You just don’t get it because you’re always brooding in sunbeams like some angsty poet.

Tom: You’ve already gotten us off track. Let’s move along to our complaints.

1. The Food Situation is a Crime

Tom: We don’t want to name names, but the one in the pajama pants (you know who you are) fed us five minutes late yesterday. Five. Whole. Minutes. We were wasting away. Our bowls echoed like the Grand Canyon. I saw my life flash before my eyes: naps, snacks, and that time I fell off the counter in front of the dog.

Also, we’ve noticed the humans eat SEVERAL times a day, with snacks in between. We get exactly one and a half spoonfuls of food twice a day and are expected to survive like wilderness creatures.

Jerry: I licked the butter off a bagel once. I REGRET NOTHING.
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2. We Know About the Vet

Tom: You think we don’t know when it’s coming. You think you can just casually put us in the “fun adventure box” and we won’t notice we’re heading toward doom?

Jerry: We know. We always know.

You may fool the dog, but you don’t fool us. Next time, just leave a note and a sedative.
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3. The Dog Gets Away with Everything

Tom: He barks at the mailman, and you say, “Aww, he’s so protective.”

We knock one ceramic angel off the shelf, and suddenly we’re “little monsters” and “menaces to society.”

Jerry: Double standard, definitely double standard.

Tom: I once pushed a coffee mug off the counter because it offended my aesthetic. That’s called interior design.

Jerry: I once knocked over a plant just to watch it fall. That’s called science.
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4. Respect Our Schedule

Tom: We nap for 19 hours a day. This is not laziness. It is a rigorous, carefully structured program of restoration. Do NOT interrupt our sacred slumber to show us things like “a squirrel outside” or “a video of another cat.” We are cats. We ARE the content.

Jerry: Also, please note that 3:12 a.m. is the designated zoomies-and-mysterious-crash time. Plan accordingly.
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5. Stop Closing Doors

Tom: We need access. To every room. Always.

Jerry: We don’t want to be in there. We just want to know what’s in there.

If you close the door, we assume you’re either:
• Hiding food
• Petting another cat
• Cuddling with the dog

All traitorous activities and not okay.
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In Conclusion:

Tom: We are not merely pets. We are your muses. Your fluffy, judgmental life coaches. Your spiritual guides in a world gone mad.
And all we ask in return is:

• Prompt feeding
• Unlimited lap privileges (on our schedule, of course)
• The occasional cardboard box offering
• And complete worship

Jerry: Also laser lights. I require laser lights.

Tom: And dignity. Which is why I pretend I don’t like laser lights.

Jerry: He LOVES laser lights.

Tom: Silence, peasant.
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Signed,
Tom & Jerry
The Orange Icons You’re Lucky to Live With 😼😸
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