“Have you or a loved one been injured or killed by a big truck? Call attorney I. Ken Nailem at 555-5555 now to bleed the miserable s.o.b.s dry!” Are you as sick of these sue-happy lawyer ads on television as I am? Honestly, there are at least a dozen lawyer commercials for every thirty minute show. And who writes these ads, anyway? Seriously, “Have you (delete ‘or a loved one’) been killed (delete ‘or injured’) by a big truck?” I am so tempted to call and say, “I was killed by a big truck. Please sue them for me. Unfortunately I will be unable to make a personal appearance in court.”

“Have you or a loved one been treated by a doctor or medical facility who was legitimately trying their best to help you and suffered an ingrown toenail as a result? The law offices of May Kempay and Will Takem are standing by to receive your call and tell you how much your claim may be worth.” Again, I want to pick up the phone and the minute someone answers, blurt out, “How much money can I get?”

Now I do realize there are valid reasons for taking someone to court, who, through negligence or incompetence, has caused injury (or worse) to other people. And I believe that victims are entitled to compensation. However, to me, these ambulance chasing ads are the height of poor taste. Surely, if the law firm is reputable, clients will find them without the sensational hype—which leads me to believe that the lawyers in the television ads are more concerned with their pockets than their clients. And speaking of pockets, have you ever thought about how much those ads cost? Where do these lawyers get all that money for advertising?

It’s no wonder medical malpractice insurance rates have sky-rocketed, which translates to higher medical costs to patients, many of whom can no longer afford medical care. In addition, the costs of bringing a new drug or medical devise to market have soared, due to lawyers just waiting to jump on any potential complication. “Have you or a loved one taken the drug ‘placebo’ and then suffered athlete’s foot, a broken fingernail, slamming your hand in the car door, a fight with your spouse, your child flunking kindergarten, aphids on your roses, or your dog getting fleas? Other side effects may include the inability to pass up a doughnut shop, a craving for country line dancing, dandruff, and hypochondria. Even if you chain smoke, weigh six hundred pounds, drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or play Russian roulette, you may be entitled to compensation. Call the law offices of Sue M. All, Seymour Incourt, Les Gettam, and Ima Shark for information on how you can stick it to Big Pharma, the greedy, money grubbers who care nothing about the damage ‘placebo’ does to you and your loved ones. We all know their only goal is get rich at your expense. Shark, Gettam, All, Incourt will only retain 90% of your settlement because our only concern is making sure you get what is rightfully yours.”

The only attorney ads I actually find amusing are the ones featuring a prominent local attorney whose son relates how dedicated his father is because he completely ignores his family on vacation while constantly conferring with clients on his cell phone. One of these days when that attorney promises in one of his commercials to personally return my call, I’m going to call him just to see if he does.