To Men Everywhere – You’re Welcome

Some fun things to do when you’re bored:

 

  1. Send a random text saying, “I hid the body.  Now what?”
  2. Go through the drive-through of a fast food restaurant and order a diet water.
  3. Ask your husband/boyfriend if the outfit you are wearing makes you look fat and watch him squirm.

Speaking of ways to make a man squirm, there are a few key words/phrases that all women utter and if the man to whom they are uttered is unaware of their true meaning, he can be completely blind-sided and never know what hit him.  At the risk of being declared a traitor to my gender, I will attempt to enlighten men everywhere as my charitable act of service to the more clueless sex on Father’s Day.  (You don’t have to be a father to partake of my gift.)

  1. FINE. Okay, guys, this does not mean what you think.  “Fine,” especially when spoken in a snarky voice means, “I’m not listening to your stupid side of the story anymore.  I’m right and you just need to shut up.”
  2. NOTHING. Beware of this one.  When a woman says, “Nothing,” she actually means “Something really big and you’d better figure out exactly what it is post haste or you will suffer the consequences.”
  3. FIVE MINUTES. This means literally nothing.  Do not set your watch.
  4. WHATEVER YOU WANT. Trust me, she does not mean what ever you   She means you’d better be smart enough to choose what she wants, which you should automatically know.  Otherwise you don’t care about what she wants, which translates into you don’t care about her.
  5. THAT’S OKAY. This is usually said in response to an apology you are making to her about some bone-headed thing you did/said, or failed to do/say.  Do not let out a sigh of relief.  This does not mean you are off the hook.  All is not forgiven and forgotten.  It means she is too angry to discuss it right now, but this discussion will rear its ugly head again when she figures out how to make you pay for your mistake.
  6. IT WOULD BE NICE IF… This is not a suggestion. It is an unconditional demand.  Be wise and just do it!
  7. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. She has asked you to do something, but you failed to do it and now she is going to have to do it herself.  Do not, at this point, ask any questions or jump in to do whatever it is you didn’t do.  It doesn’t count now.  You will get no points and may come out with a net negative score in the relationship department.
  8. DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT NOW? This means stop whatever you’re doing because you are doing the wrong thing at the wrong time and need to prioritize your activities according to what she wants you to do right now.
  9. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Whatever it is you are doing, you’re doing it all wrong.
  10. GO AHEAD. This is not permission.  This is a dare.  Do not fall into this trap.
  11. This means “no.”  Easy enough, right?
  12. WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE BETTER. This means, “You need to learn to agree with me.”
  13. ARE YOU LISTENING? This means, “You are not listening and nothing you do or say at this point will make any difference.”
  14. This argument is over.  You lose.  This is similar to “fine.”
  15. LOUD SIGH. How can you be so clueless?
  16. NEVER MIND. No, you don’t have permission to dismiss the problem.  Do the exact opposite.
  17. I’M NOT UPSET. Don’t you believe it!  She’s really upset and you need to figure out why.
  18. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. This means, “I don’t want to talk about it until I have enough ammunition to burn you later.”
  19. WE NEED TO TALK. You’re a dead man!
  20. I LOVE YOU. This last one you’ll have to figure out on your own.  I can’t give away all my secrets.

 

 

One thought on “To Men Everywhere – You’re Welcome”

  1. Every man learns those phrases quickly or does not survive. That was always my problem, knowing what to say and what to do and we know how that worked out.

    Like

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