I’ve finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.  I want to be Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune.  Well, to clarify, I don’t exactly want to be Vanna White, I just want her job.  Seriously, I can be window dressing.  How does one go about falling into a gravy train “career” like hers?  I can gesture to the puzzle board.  I can touch on a lit up square to reveal the letter behind it.  I can grin and clap like a seal while the contestants spin the wheel. Vanna actually has an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for most frequent claps. She has clapped more than 4 million times in the 32 seasons she had been on Wheel of Fortune. That’s based on an average of 606 claps per episode. If I try, I’ll bet I can clap 607 times per episode.  And, unlike Vanna, I can even remember what letters are supposed to be in the puzzle so I don’t prematurely move when a contestant calls a letter that isn’t there.  (I love it when she does that.)

Back in the day, she actually had to turn the squares by hand.  When a contestant solved the puzzle, she had to frantically turn the rest of the hidden letters.  I guess that was too physically taxing. Now she just taps the lit up squares.  And have you noticed that when a contestant solves the puzzle, all the letters magically come up?  She doesn’t even have to tap the unrevealed ones.  So I’m kind of wondering if the letters can simply be revealed by technology, what exactly is her function?

I am willing to travel to exotic locations to promote the show and speak lead-ins for advertisements.  I am willing to be a guinea pig for designer clothes to be worn only once.  She has a big fan base of women who are interested in her daily wardrobe, which led to the phenomenon known as Vannamania.  I can do that.  How does Ellenmania sound?   I am even willing to stand with Pat Sajak, flutter my hand, and chirp, “Bye bye” at the end of the show.

Do you know she makes an estimated four million dollars a year from Wheel of Fortune?  Four million!  And get this—they only work four days a month, recording six shows each day.  Wow, that’s gotta’ be tough!  Yes, she does have the stress of having to change her designer clothes between each show, but I could live with that.  What’s more, I could still work my regular job as a veterinarian if the taping could be done on my days off.  I wonder if Wheel of Fortune would be interested in taking bids for Vanna’s job, you know, sort of like government contractors.  I would be willing to undercut her four million by say, oh … 90%.  Think how much money that would save the network.

So now that I’ve decided what I want to be, I’ll just send an email to Wheel of Fortune advising them of my availability.  You never know.  Stranger things have happened.