I got a letter from Donald Trump today. It had my name on the envelope and everything! Wow, I didn’t even realize he knew who I was! My excitement was short-lived, however, when I eagerly opened the letter to find the salutation of “Dear Patriotic American.” Although I like to think I’m a patriotic American, I was hoping for something a little more personal, like, “Hey, Ellen, I’m not using my private yacht for the next few weeks, if you’d like to borrow it.”
But such was not the case. It was mostly a recap of today’s political climate, of which I’m already aware. His signature was unreadable. It looked like a series of squiggles. If I were his teacher, I would give him a D- in penmanship and send him for remedial handwriting. Nevertheless, I was ready to let the poor handwriting go, as I realize he has more important things on his mind. Then he delivered the clincher and the real purpose behind his correspondence by asking me to sign a support statement and send it back.
Well, I suppose that’s a reasonable request, but it turns out he didn’t just want my signature, readable or not. No, he wants my money, too. There was a box to check off the amount I wanted to contribute with a reminder below that my gift was not tax deductible. I was somewhat surprised. Donald Trump needs my money? Did they run out of toilet paper at the White House? Is Air Force One in danger of being re-possessed? Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I thought he was the billionaire. If anything, shouldn’t he be sending me money? I’ve got a teen-aged boy to feed, for crying out loud!
I guess I won’t send in the signed support statement because I feel guilty and stingy not sending in money with it. But then I got a brilliant idea. Maybe I could get free money from the government. Isn’t “free” everything being promised by Donald’s opposing political party? Perhaps they could tax a few more of those miserly rich people they’re always talking about and send me the extra money. If that doesn’t work, I know the tax-exempt foundation of a former president and his presidential candidate wife has a few billion extra dollars lying around. Couldn’t they equitably distribute some of their wealth my way? Or maybe the government could kill two birds with one stone and pass a bill to tax the foundation!
All in all, the letter was quite a disappointment. Here I thought Donald and I were going to become pals. It turns out he’s just like all the other politicians who send me personal mail—he only wants me for my money (and my vote.) Perhaps he should start a “Go Fund Me” account. But next time, Donald, would you please not get me all worked up with anticipation by putting my name on the envelope, and just address it to “Patriotic American?” Don’t make me have to tweet this!