I have never truly considered New Year’s to be a real holiday. Other than trying to remember not to write the old year on checks (and honestly, who writes checks anymore?) New Year’s is just like any other day—unless you are given the day off work with pay, and then I’ll happily take it. But since I’m retired, I can’t even claim holiday status anymore. After the big lead-up to Christmas, New Year’s has always seemed a bit of a let-down to me. At least since I advanced past the age of about twenty.

Of course, when I was young, New Year’s Eve was a big deal, and one simply had to have plans or risk being labeled a loser. Now, I’m happy if I don’t have plans. I borrowed this saying from the internet: Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to. No truer words were ever spoken. The New Year’s Eve parties became less exciting as I got older and had to gracefully wait until midnight before I could leave. But in case you’re stuck waiting for something to do this December 31st while counting down the minutes, here are a few jokes to keep you entertained:

  1. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
  2. I always skip the gym the first week of the new year. I can’t deal with the crowds. I also skip weeks 2 – 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.
  3. My New Year’s resolution was to drop my bad habits, but no one likes a quitter.
  4. Why is partying in Times Square overrated?
    Because they drop the ball every year.
  5. This year my New Year’s resolution is to finally go to the gym . . . and cancel that membership I’ve been wasting money on every month since last year.
  6. My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing great! I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
  7. Where can you practice multiplication tables on New Year’s Eve?
    Times Square.
  8. What food should you avoid on New Year’s?
  9. Ever since 2019, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
  10. And finally, may all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.