In the Fannon home, we have a sacred tradition of the “must-watch” Christmas movies. Admittedly, the list is short—just four classics: Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol (the George C. Scott version), A Christmas Story, and It’s a Wonderful Life. These films are non-negotiable for the full Fannon Christmas experience. Other holiday flicks are fine if we happen to catch them, but they don’t carry the same festive weight.

Then there are the Hallmark Christmas movies—the ones Hubby and Sons wouldn’t watch even if they were the last thing on Earth playing during a power outage. And honestly, it’s not just because Hallmark plays these movies year-round. I mean, who really wants to watch a Christmas movie in July? (Well, apparently, SOMEONE does—hence the “Christmas in July” phenomenon that Hallmark airs during the sizzling summer.)

Hallmark Christmas movies aren’t bad per se—they’re just… predictable. They’re all the usual Hallmark tropes, just wrapped in tinsel and snowflakes. They generally center around three or four interchangeable plots. A popular premise is the successful but unfulfilled career woman living in the big city. It’s a guarantee she’ll have to make an unexpected trip back to her small, picturesque hometown, where she runs into her hunky high school sweetheart who has never married, despite the fact he’s thirty-two years old and half the women in town are after him. Another common setup is where a career woman is forced back to her hometown to save the family store, inn, Christmas tree farm, or bakery from the evil, yet drop-dead gorgeous, big-city developer who is trying to wipe out her family legacy. Watching a Hallmark movie is like opening a Christmas present when you already know what’s inside the box. Sometimes, that’s okay, especially if it’s something you really, really wanted. But the element of surprise is also nice.

The small towns in Hallmark movies are always winter wonderlands where it snows on cue, and there are always Christmas festivals outdoors in the festive town square that is lit with enough lights to put the city in debt with a massive electric bill—or cause a blackout. Surprisingly, nobody is ever cold, even though they are outside in the freezing weather at night. Most of the characters don’t even button their coats—or wear gloves or hats. And their breath doesn’t vaporize in the supposedly frigid air.

A Grinch, in the form of a greedy developer, grumpy boss, or big-city boyfriend who doesn’t embrace the Christmas spirit, is a must to give the otherwise lackluster plot the required amount of tension. However (spoiler alert), by the end of the movie, the Grinch either does a complete about-face (like the real Grinch of Dr. Seuss) or conveniently and graciously disappears.

One aspect of these movies that always leaves me scratching my head is how the destined lovebirds manage to escape all the real work of the holidays. No marathon gift-wrapping sessions, no hauling heavy boxes of decorations out of storage, and no kitchen disasters with burnt cookies. Either they show up at a friend’s or parent’s home, where all the work is already done, or they’re at a quaint inn, where the innkeeper not only decks the halls like something out of a Southern Living magazine but also manages to cook, bake, clean, and play matchmaker. If the main characters participate in any decorating or cooking at all, it’s not a back-breaking labor fest but a romantic, leisurely activity in which you know there is no way they will ever finish the job in a timely manner. And somehow, amid all their charming distractions, they manage to save the town’s economy, stage the perfect Christmas pageant, or come up with an idea to ditch the corporate world and make a living crafting reindeer ornaments—all before Christmas Eve.

And they magically produce the most thoughtful, perfectly wrapped presents for everyone, despite spending zero time braving the crowds at the mall.

Maybe that’s why watching these movies leaves me with an odd mix of warm fuzzies and holiday inadequacy. Everything in a Hallmark Christmas movie is tied up with a shiny red bow, and the bar for next Christmas is set sky-high. How are they going to top this Christmas when December rolls around next year? Perhaps Die Hard?