Is there anything more frustrating than shopping for a new pair of jeans that actually fit? I’m obviously talking to women here—because men? Please. They stroll into a store, grab their waist and length off a neatly stacked shelf, maybe hold them up once for good measure, and boom. Mission accomplished. No dressing room, no existential crisis. No tears. Same goes for swimsuits. It’s so unfair!

Meanwhile, over in Women’s Denim World (a.k.a. The Seventh Circle of Hades), we are on a never-ending quest for the mythical PERFECT PAIR. You know the one—that one pair that fits perfectly, which you wear all the time? In fact, you’ve worn them so many times that the knees have finally worn through, but you really don’t want to go for the “grunge” or the distressed jeans look.

Everyone who sees you, including your own reflection, wishes you’d buy a new pair of jeans, for crying out loud. So, off you go, armed with caffeine, low expectations, and a vague sense of doom.

Now, here’s the universal truth: THERE ARE NO WOMEN’S JEANS THAT WILL FIT YOU. It doesn’t matter what size you are; there are no ladies’ jeans that will fit you. It doesn’t matter that there are two hundred different brands and eighty different styles and cuts, but none of them are for you. You probably do what I do—settle for something that doesn’t look as horrible as the other nine hundred pairs you’ve tried on, and throw money at a cashier just to escape the fluorescent-lit dressing room of despair.

Once you get them home, however, you will wear them once or twice, realize the jeans really don’t look good on you, and relegate them to the back of the closet, where they will remain in obscurity until you finally donate them to Goodwill. Meanwhile, you wear the jeans with the holes, but only around the house.
Several years ago, I had one pair of jeans that fit great. When they wore out, I thought, “No problem. I’ll just buy the same brand and size again.” Not surprisingly, that brand vanished like Blockbuster Video. Of course. So, I had to start all over and try a different brand. I went to several stores and tried on everything from relaxed fit, regular fit, tight fit, waist high, low riders, boot cut, regular cut, skinny jeans, and even, in desperation, men’s and children’s jeans. At one point, I foolishly thought skinny jeans might look good on me. I was wrong. Not only did I look and feel like I’d been stuffed into a sausage casing, but all the circulation had been cut off to my legs by a garment that was strangling me. But I was trapped. It took me ten minutes of sweaty panic to peel them off my body. I was afraid the store would have to call 911 to have me surgically removed from them.

Finally, in defeat, I paid a small fortune for a pair I could live with and took them home.

That pair hung on for a while until they started wearing out. Then I got smart(ha)! and ordered another two pairs online in exactly the same size and style, the only difference being the color. Exactly the same brand, size, and style should fit exactly like the jeans I had, right? Silly me. When they arrived, they were too big. Making even less sense, the blue ones were bigger than the black ones. I really didn’t want to ship them back, so I decided to shrink them in hot water. It didn’t work. So now I have three pairs of jeans in the same brand, style, and size, which all fit differently.

The only thing left for me is jeans with elastic waistbands. I refuse to wear those yet. So, I am stubbornly determined to continue with the quest for the perfect pair of jeans while the dozen pairs in my closet languish for lack of wear. However, the only way to keep my sanity while I shop is to stay away from skinny jeans and keep repeating the mantra, THERE ARE NO WOMEN’S JEANS THAT FIT YOU.
And somehow, knowing that fact is strangely comforting.

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