When my husband and I booked our Mediterranean cruise, I knew from previous experience not to envision The Love Boat. I could almost hear that catchy theme song, “Love, exciting and new…” dancing in my head, as I pictured glamorous guests in flowing caftans sipping umbrella drinks while the crew cheerfully solved everyone’s romantic problems before the next port.

The truth is, reality didn’t get the memo.

1. The Crew Is Not Your Personal Therapist
On The Love Boat, Captain Stubing and his staff had an uncanny ability to detect emotional turmoil from across the Lido Deck. They’d drop everything to offer heartfelt advice, a shoulder to cry on, and a champagne toast to true love.

On a real cruise? The staff is lovely—but they’re not hanging around to analyze your relationship issues. They’re sprinting between buffet stations, balancing plates, and trying not to trip over the passengers who stop mid-aisle with no warning to gawk at the dessert station, all while answering stupid questions from first-time cruisers, such as, “Does the crew sleep on board the ship?” I knew better than to confide in our waiter that Hubby doesn’t listen to me. The waiter was too busy refilling the bread basket to advise Hubby to turn on his hearing aids.

2. No One Looks That Good in Swimwear
Let’s talk about the pool scenes. In The Love Boat universe, every guest looks like they’ve stepped off a fashion runway. The bikini-clad women all sport flawless hair that never frizzes, and the men are all tanned, toned, and confident.

In real life? Let’s just say the sun deck is less “Baywatch” and more “Buffetwatch.” I constantly ran my life mantra through my head: “Nobody loves that person enough to tell them a bikini and a speedo don’t look good on someone whose stomach overlaps the fabric, and you can’t tell if they’re wearing ANYTHING under the flab. Enough said.

3. The Cruise Director Rarely Coordinates Romance
Julie McCoy, The Love Boat’s perky cruise director, always knew exactly which passengers needed to fall in love. She’d pair up a shy librarian with a lonely widower, orchestrate a moonlit dinner, and—voilà!—true love by the time they docked.

Our cruise director? He mostly reminded us about the Bingo tournament, the emergency drill, and the 2-for-1 margarita special. Not once did he approach me and whisper, “Ellen, I sense you’re about to meet your soulmate on Deck 9.” Probably because he noticed Hubby standing right beside me holding two ice cream cones.
On a side note, however, last year on our river cruise, Hubby left me standing in the hallway to run back to the room and retrieve something he’d forgotten (which is routine for Hubby). A staff member approached and asked if I needed anything. When I explained I was waiting for Hubby, as usual, he asked, “Would you like me to find you a new husband?”
I replied, “Only if he’s old, rich, and sick.”
The staff member assured me there were plenty of those on board, but he never followed through with his offer. That is as close as I got to being fixed up. Probably just as well. Hubby wouldn’t have liked it.

4. The Onboard Drama Is More About Elevators Than Affairs
On The Love Boat, every episode had at least one scandal—secret lovers, mistaken identities, dramatic misunderstandings. On our cruise, the biggest drama was whether the elevator was going up or down and whether we could squeeze in one more person. That, and the daily battle for deck chairs, which reached near-gladiator levels by Day 4. I saw one woman stake her claim at 6:30 a.m. with a towel, a paperback novel, and a look that said, “Touch this chair and perish.”

5. The Ship Never Sways on TV
You’ll notice on The Love Boat, nobody ever spills a drink, stumbles in the hallway, or clutches a railing with that “Oh Lord, why did I eat the shrimp cocktail?” look. On an actual cruise, the ship moves. Constantly. It moves even more for the people with the unlimited drink package. And speaking of those passengers with the unlimited drink package, nobody on The Love Boat ever gets drunk and obnoxious. Just sayin’.

6. Our Stateroom Did Not Look Like the Suite at the Ritz

On The Love Boat, the cabins are spacious and roomy, with fresh flowers and fruit every morning. In our cabin, Hubby and I had to turn sideways to pass each other in the small space between our closet and bathroom. Even then, it was tight, and one of us usually had to move out of the way until the other got by. As for daily amenities, we did get two chocolates on our pillows a couple of nights, but the only flowers we got were the wooden tulips we won for playing a game on the first night.

7. On The Love Boat, Everyone Wears Evening Gowns and Tuxedos to Dinner. AND they get to eat at the Captain’s table.
I saw more jeans and flip-flops in the dining room than formal wear—even on formal nights. And I never saw the crew in our dining room. If the captain ate at all, I was unaware of it. For that matter, if the captain was even aboard the ship, I was unaware of it, except for the fact that the crew was introduced on the World Stage the first evening. Still, from that distance, they could have dressed anyone up and passed him off as the captain. For all I knew, the captain was sunning himself somewhere on the beaches of Cyprus and letting A.I. drive the ship.

8. There Are No Crowds on The Love Boat
On The Love Boat, the tours don’t involve elbowing the other 900 passengers out of the way to get a seat in the front of the bus. Nor does anyone ever have to stand in line for thirty minutes to use the ladies’ room. Or stand on tiptoes at the back of a tour group, straining to see and hear what the tour guide is showing you. No one is ever accosted by street vendors who won’t take “no” for an answer. No, on The Love Boat, there is always an open deck chair, bar stool, and no one has to fight the people on walkers to get to the buffet.

9. The Only “Happily Ever After” Is the Midnight Buffet
Every Love Boat episode ends with love, laughter, and a sunset. Ours ended with indigestion and vows never to eat again. (We broke that vow at breakfast.)

So no, a cruise is not like The Love Boat. But despite the lack of spontaneous romance, glamorous wardrobes, and wise advice from Captain Stubing, it was still pretty great. After all, we had sunshine, laughter, and unlimited dessert—which, come to think of it, might just be the real definition of love.