I want to know why Melania Trump is sending letters to my husband. Granted, he’s better looking, younger, and an all-around nicer guy than her hubby, but still, he lacks the fame and fortune of Donald. So what’s up with this? Is she suddenly tired of being in the spotlight? Has she heard rumors of other women in Donald’s life? Is she sick of having to clean all the rooms at the White House and having to entertain an endless parade of boring, bloviating dignitaries? Would she just like to throw on her sweats and binge watch soaps once in a while? Would she just like to be able to run out to Walmart for a few minutes without the Secret Service and the Paparazzi? Maybe she really does believe the coronavirus outbreak is Donald’s fault, as suggested by some of his political opponents. I suppose I could almost feel sorry for her, until I consider the fact she is after my husband.
Yes, I know it’s illegal to open another person’s mail, but the green-eyed, jealous, suspicious monster in me ripped it open, anyway. So arrest me. You won’t believe this, but she sent him a check. A check! For forty-five dollars. Now what is he supposed to do with that? It’s not enough for an airline ticket for a sordid weekend tryst in Washington D.C. It’s not even enough to buy dinner in a swanky restaurant, Golden Arches aside. Unless he is really hungry. So, I broke down and read the letter. Yes, I read my husband’s mail from another woman, as any normal suspicious wife would do. A beautiful, younger woman, by the way. She starts off by praising her husband. Huh? If he’s so great, why is she writing to my husband? Oh, I get it now. Right there in bold type it says, “That is why I am asking you to join me today in setting the stage for Donald’s re-election as America’s 45th President by matching my enclosed $45 check.” On closer inspection, the check isn’t even made out to my husband. It’s made out to the Republican National Committee. Then she asks my husband to send a contribution of $90 or even $135. I don’t know how math is taught in Slovenia, where’s she’s from, but no matter how you figure, $90 or $135 is not a matching amount to $45. But she’s still not finished. She ups the ante to $250, $500, $1000, $5000, or more. Now I realize that $5000, or more, is mere peanuts to her, but to us basket of deplorables (oh, wait, wrong first lady), it’s a significant chunk of change.
She goes on to justify why they need our money and ends with, “I look forward to telling Donald that you are standing with us . . .” and in her P.S., “Mr. Fannon (Hah! She doesn’t get to call him ‘Sweetie,’ like I do), I know it will mean so much to Donald to know that friends like you . . .” So, let me get this straight. If my husband sends her money, she is personally going to tell Donald? Is Donald going to jump up and down in excitement over the $45 my husband sends? And since Donald is his “friend,” should we be expecting a Christmas card come December? Does that mean we have to send them one? This is all too confusing. The real kicker is that we have to provide our own stamp to return Melania’s check with our own matching one.
Well, I do have to admit I’m relieved to find that Melania only wants my husband for his money. But is she really prepared to live on a pastor’s salary?