Why is it that other people’s kids are always so much smarter, better behaved, more motivated, more talented, and more considerate than mine? Sometimes I feel like the only mother on the planet without bragging rights. Here’s a sample of how my life has been with my two sons:

Other mother: “My daughter won the pre-K spelling bee.”

Me: “Yeah, well my son can burp the entire alphabet.”

Other mother: “My son made the all-star team for T-ball.”

Me: “My son picked the most daisies of any right-fielder.”

Other mother: “My daughter was picked for the lunchroom monitor last week.”

Me: My son can shove two carrot sticks up his nose to look like a walrus.

Other mother: My son made the starting lineup in JV football and he’s only a seventh grader.

Me: My son was the only eighth grader who sat on the bench the entire season.

Other mother: My son made the A honor roll for the entire year.

Me: My son got the most detentions for the entire year.

Other mother: My daughter is taking advanced placement German.

Me: My son can say all the bad words in German, Spanish, French, and Swahili.

Other mother: My son took first place in the Beethoven piano competition for teenagers.

Me: My son can play chopsticks by ear.

Other mother: Look at this adorable picture of my three daughters.

Me: My son can photobomb any family picture.

Other mother: My son volunteered to work at a soup kitchen for the homeless.

Me: My son can eat an entire pizza at one sitting.

Other mother: My daughter has decided to go to dental school.

Me: My son made the Guinness Book of Records for the longest time anyone has gone without brushing his teeth.

Other mother: My son earned his Eagle Scout last weekend.

Me: My son binge-watched an entire weekend of Sponge Bob.

Other mother: My daughter decided to forgo Christmas gifts this year in order to give to needy children.

Me: My son picked out the most expensive gift from each catalog for his wish list.

Other mother: My son got a job as a chauffeur for a limo service.

Me: My son totaled three cars before he was eighteen—which was really quite remarkable as he didn’t get his driver’s license until he was seventeen-and-a-half.

Other mother: My daughter got a perfect score on the SAT.

Me: My son forgot to put his name on his SAT.

Other mother: My son got a full scholarship to Harvard.

Me: My son was accepted into the community junior college paying full tuition.

Other mother: My son made the dean’s list at Harvard and was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa.

Me: My son flunked out of junior college. Twice!

Other mother: My son graduated one year early from Harvard with a dual degree in rocket science and brain surgery.

Me: My son has managed to keep a job for 4 straight weeks.

Other mother: My daughter is the CEO of the company she started, has four children she homeschools, teaches a class on astrophysics at the university, is the president of the Chamber of Commerce, grows all her own food, and heads up four mission trips a year to Africa.

Me: My son has been between jobs for six months, lives in our basement, spends his spare time playing video games, and won the contest for the best tattoo at Joe’s Bar and Grill last week.

Other mother: My son took me to an expensive French restaurant for my birthday.

Me: My son ate all the leftovers in the refrigerator and left his dirty dishes in the sink for my birthday. But, it’s not really his fault. He doesn’t realize I have a birthday.

Other mother: I don’t know what’s gotten into my son! He is quitting his six-figure job and joining the Peace Corp.

Me: Wow! I’m sure glad I don’t have your kid!