The other day, a commercial on television caught my eye. Two couples were playing pickleball—at least I think it was pickleball, it might have been something else, as I haven’t really figured out what pickleball is yet. Anyway, right as he is getting ready to play, one guy turns to the other and says, “I scheduled my colonoscopy.” The other guy’s face lights up like he has just been told he won the lottery, and he shouts to everyone within hearing distance, “He scheduled his colonoscopy!” Then everyone around them becomes overjoyed by the news. The other players, the mailman, and a neighbor walking a dog are all ecstatic at hearing the man scheduled his colonoscopy. The great announcement spreads through the neighborhood like an Elvis spotting.

The advertisement may have been written for Blue Cross—again, I don’t remember. But I have to wonder who actually gets paid to write these commercials. Granted, colonoscopies are important, but personally, I’d rather keep my personal business personal rather than announce it to the world. Yes, I meant to use the word “personal” three times in one sentence because, after all, nothing gets much more personal than a colonoscopy. I don’t particularly want to share the news of my upcoming procedure with the whole world. Besides, I don’t believe most people would care as much about me as the people in the commercial obviously care about their friend. It’s bad enough my immediate family has to know. They have to know because they’d better not be between me and the bathroom when the prep kicks in. It’s for their own safety.

But now everyone in the commercial who has been informed of this guy’s declaration has several visions stuck in their head, none of which are suitable for discussing in public. For that matter, I don’t even want to think of them in the privacy of my own head. I just think some things should be kept to oneself. Is nothing sacred anymore? Now, I suppose everyone is going to want to know all the intimate details and share their own colonoscopy experiences. Whatever happened to discussing sports, the weather, and other safe subjects not related to bodily functions? Whatever happened to just playing pickleball and keeping your mouth shut?

However, as bad as I think this commercial is, it’s better than the ones with the annoying Cologuard box that stalks everyone. I don’t want that creepy little guy anywhere near me, especially when I’m eating out with a friend.

Don’t the people who write advertisements make big bucks? Who in their right mind would pay for such distasteful commercials? Instead of making a colonoscopy a cause for celebration, how about something like, “In the U.S. excluding skin cancers, colorectal cancer is the 3rd most common cancer diagnosed and the 3rd related cause of cancer deaths in men and 4th in women. Get screened before it’s too late!” What’s wrong with simply scaring people into getting screened by stating the facts? And just the facts, ma’am. When it comes to sharing personal information about colonoscopies, less is more.