Dear males who live in the same house with me,

Today I am going to let you in on a little secret. There is no Toilet Paper Fairy who magically replaces the empty cardboard spool of toilet paper with a full, new roll. I know you have labored under this delusion for years, but, sadly, it is, in fact, not so. This revelation will undoubtedly burst your idealistic bubble, but you have to find out sometime—I am the Toilet Paper Fairy. Yes, it is I who painstakingly removes the empty spool, deposits it in the trash, and replaces it with a new roll.

As disappointing as this is to learn, there is some good news. Are you ready? Here it is: You, too, can change a roll of toilet paper! I realize this never dawned on you. But I assure you that you are more than capable of this feat. Do not worry, I will walk you through the process, step by step. First, you push the roller holding the empty cardboard spool into one side or the other of the toilet paper holder. It doesn’t matter whether you push it to the right or the left. It is springy, you see, and therefore, will pop right out. If you are too forceful, it may not only pop out but may ricochet across the room, so take care you don’t shoot your eye out. Now that the roller is free, you simply remove the cardboard spool and—here is the tricky part—drop it into the trash can located for your convenience next to the toilet. If you miss the trash can, the Magic Toilet Paper Fairy may or may not pick it up and put it in the right place depending on the mood she’s in.

Okay, you are halfway there. Next, procure a new roll of toilet paper, again, located for your convenience in the linen closet, right across the hall from the bathroom. You will now see that the new roll has a little cardboard spool in the center which will fit easily onto the toilet paper roller. After sliding the new roll onto the toilet paper roller (be careful it doesn’t slide off the other end), gently insert one end of the roller into the handily placed depression in the toilet paper holder. Now comes the second tricky part. While holding the first end into the depression, carefully push on the other end of the roller and insert it into the opposite depression. If you do this properly, both ends of the roller will be locked into the toilet paper holder, and viola! You have mastered the art of successfully changing the roll of toilet paper and have a fresh, full roll to show for it!

Imagine! No more rolls of toilet paper sitting on the bathroom countertop, back of the toilet, or bathroom floor. No more having to interrupt your business and chase these rolls across the bathroom when you reach for them and they fall to the tile, rolling out of reach. No little empty cardboard tubes taking up space on the countertops. Who knew life could be so uncomplicated?

I was going to move on to how to find the mustard in the refrigerator, but I realize there is only so much information you can retain at one time, so I’ll save that for another day.