Well, January is upon us, and I’ve filled in my new calendar with all my doctors’ appointments. To start the New Year off right, I had my annual Medicare wellness interview—a yearly square-filler that I rescheduled from December because it conflicted with the afternoon we got our Christmas tree. Priorities, after all. The person who conducts the interview is always courteous and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling I’m just one wrong answer short of being declared “needs to be put out to pasture.”

This time was no different, except that the nice older nurse who used to do the interview had been replaced with a young woman who probably wasn’t potty-trained when I qualified for AARP. I wondered if the previous nurse had flunked her own Medicare wellness test and been shipped off to the old folks’ home. As the new nurse rattled off the routine government-mandated questions, I noticed the glazed look in her eyes and imagined how tedious it must be to ask the same questions to senior citizens day after day. Perhaps I should shake things up a bit. Here’s what I plan to do next year:

Question: Do you get any exercise?

Me: Absolutely. I exercise regularly by walking between my living room couch and the refrigerator.

Question: Do you eat a balanced diet?

Me: Yes, I consume fruit, dairy, and vegetables in the form of strawberry cheesecake.

Comment: Ma’am, strawberry cheesecake does not constitute a balanced diet.

Me: Of course, it does. Strawberries are fruit, cheese is dairy, and sugar is basically a vegetable.

Comment: Sugar is not a vegetable.

Me: Sugar cane is a green plant. Sometimes, it can even be red or purple. According to Google, green, red, and purple plants are healthy.

Question: Let’s move on. Do you ever feel unbalanced when standing?

Me: Only when I get to the refrigerator and discover someone has eaten the last piece of strawberry cheesecake. Then, I definitely become unbalanced.

Question: Do you ever feel depressed or feel like harming yourself?

Me: See the answer to the previous question.

Question: Do you ever have tingling or numbness in your legs or feet?

Me: Sometimes, when both my cats plus my two dogs lie on my legs at the same time.

Question: Do you ever have trouble sleeping?

Me: Yes, when Younger Son blasts his music from the room below. But I didn’t realize that was a medical issue.

Question: Have you fallen within the past year?

Me: Once. The evil electric blanket cord reached out and grabbed my foot. But that was more of an assault than a clumsy fall.

Question: Can you get up from a chair without using your hands?

Me: Sure, but I reserve the right to groan dramatically while doing so.

Question: How is your appetite?

Me: Great when it comes to strawberry cheesecake.

Question: Are you experiencing any side effects from your medications?

Me: Yes, now that you mention it, I’ve experienced spontaneous napping.

Question: Are you taking all your prescribed medications as directed?

Me: Mostly, although I did accidentally take the pills in Tuesday’s pill caddy by mistake on Monday.

Comment: I’m going to give you a piece of paper. Please draw a clock showing 11:10.

Me: Can I draw a digital clock?

Comment: No. It has to be analog.

Me: You do realize that when you get to be my age, nobody in your generation will know what an analog clock is, right? So, this is technically an unfair requirement directed toward a minority group. (She gives me a “look,” and I dutifully draw the clock so as not to be a difficult patient.)
Question: Do you have any problem with your memory?

Me: Could you please repeat the question?

Question: Do you have any problem with your memory?

Me: I don’t know. I can’t remember having any problems with my memory.

What do you want to bet she gives up, shoves a fistful of papers at me, and sends me out the door? Getting older may come with a few challenges, but at least I can still crack a joke and keep my sense of humor intact. After all, if laughter really is the best medicine, I’m already well on my way to perfect health.