For those of you clueless guys out there who don’t know why your significant other is giving you the cold shoulder, Friday was Valentine’s Day. Yep, you missed it! The most romantic day in all of commercialism.

Valentine’s Day has a long, complicated, and slightly murky history involving ancient Romans, fertility, and Pope Gelasius adding this day to the Roman Catholic liturgical calendar around 500 A.D. At least three legends, none of which are particularly clear, concerning who St. Valentine really was and how he came to be known as the patron saint of lovers exist. Somehow, Chaucer got into the act in the Middle Ages, and somewhere between trying to untangle all this information for my blog, my brain short-circuited. So, I gave up.

Besides, who cares how the whole Valentine’s Day tradition got started? The important thing is that men do what’s expected to show their undying love and devotion. And yes, this is a test—one you’d better not fail. If one would believe the television commercials, nothing less than Jared’s (jewelry, clueless guys) will do. Fortunately for Hubby, I am a simple woman who delights in chocolate more than diamonds. Flowers are nice, but you can’t eat them. Besides, they always die. Chocolate, on the other hand, stays with you forever (on your hips, stomach, thighs), making more of you for him to love.

I remember in grade school, we traded valentines with all the other kids in our class. Now maybe it’s just me, but I kind of thought your valentine was supposed to be an exclusive. I never really understood how you could be valentines with everyone in the class, including the teacher and the kids you didn’t like. But I guess the card companies make more money with packages of 20 valentines (because you are forced to give one to everybody), especially if you have to buy a second box because there are 22 kids in your class. Somehow, the card companies always made it so there were never enough cards in one box. (Still do.) But even as a child, I didn’t see the point of Valentine’s Day; other than that my dad always bought my mom a heart-shaped box of chocolates, which she graciously shared. I mean, didn’t he love her any other day of the year?

Over time, Valentine’s Day seems to have evolved into a much bigger deal. The stakes keep getting higher (ask Jared’s), and expectations now go beyond a mushy card with red hearts. Hallmark does well selling cards, but they also fuel the fire by running chick flicks all month, putting unrealistic ideas into the heads of romantically inclined females. No wonder most men dread this day.

Now, guys, I have good news and bad news. The good news is since Valentine’s Day is over, chocolate is now on sale. If your sweetheart is frugal, she will appreciate that you can buy her twice as much chocolate as you would have if you’d remembered Valentine’s Day in the first place. Balloons and flowers may also be discounted—assuming they’re not deflated or wilted. And, if you’re really savvy, snatch up a half-priced card and save it until next year. Just remember where you put it.

The bad news? While we don’t know for sure which St. Valentine the holiday is named after (there were at least three different saints named Valentine), all of them died a martyr’s death. And if you don’t want to share their fate, you’d better remember Valentine’s Day next year!