I was looking for something on the internet and got sidetracked, as I often do, by something else that caught my eye. It was a site for funny bumper stickers, one of which read, “Adults on Board. We Want to Live, Too.” This caused me to chuckle, as I have often wondered just what the point is of those “Baby on Board” decals.

The Baby on Board signs are believed to date back to the 1980s when the Safety 1st Corporation introduced them. While some claim they alert emergency responders to the presence of a child in the car, their original purpose was simply to encourage other motorists to drive carefully around vehicles carrying children. However, one survey claims that the Baby on Board stickers have contributed to one in twenty accidents. I’m not sure what that statistic was based on, but some sites have indicated that depending on where the decals are placed, they can potentially obscure the driver’s view. In fact, according to a poll of 2000 drivers, 46% viewed these decals as a potential hazard.

I have to admit that when I see one of those decals, my first instinct isn’t to suddenly abandon all my reckless driving habits. It’s not as if I think, “Oh, goodness, I need to stop driving like an idiot and exhibiting road rage because there’s a baby in the car ahead of me.” More likely, I will close the gap between us so I can read the “Baby on Board” sign, ironically making me a tailgater. Of course, I like to think I’m driving safely, anyway, and the fact that there is a baby in the car ahead of me shouldn’t have to inspire me to improve my driving. If anything, it might make me more nervous. It’s the same effect I experience in school zones—where I’m so hyper-focused on my speedometer to be sure I’m not going 21 mph instead of the posted 20 mph that I forget to check for pedestrians in the crosswalk.

Then I got to thinking. Maybe the real purpose of the “Baby on Board” stickers isn’t for the vehicle displaying them but for all the other vehicles AROUND them. “Baby on Board” could actually be code for “Caution: Sleep-Deprived Parent at the Wheel” or “Driver Currently Fumbling for a Pacifier on the Floor.” Or it might be a subtle hint that the driver is on the brink of a nervous breakdown, thanks to a screaming infant in the backseat. From this perspective, “Baby on Board” decals could be less of a warning for others to drive more safely and more of a public service announcement: “Steer clear—This Vehicle is Rolling Chaos.”

Not to be outdone, the pet-owning public has taken this concept one step further with “Dog on Board” decals. So now I’m even more confused. Does that mean if I rear-end the vehicle in front of me, the highly-trained attack dog on board will jump out and eat my face off? Or does it mean I need to be on high alert for the dog hanging way out the driver’s window, ready to fall into the road at any moment? Not that the driver with the co-driving dog in his lap would be distracted if, say, the dog suddenly jumped up in front of him, blocking his view out the windshield, to bark at the dog riding in the back of the pick-up truck ahead. But I suppose the decals have the same intent as the “Baby on Board” decals, encouraging cautious driving. (Forget about the people. There’s a DOG in that car!)

Perhaps someone needs to come up with a decal saying, “Frazzled Parent With Four Screaming Kids in Car. If You Know What’s Good For You, Back Off!” Or “Pet Parent With Three Yapping Dogs. Proceed at Your Own Risk.” As for me, I’m ordering the sticker I found on Amazon. “No Baby on Board. Feel Free to Crash into Me.”