I recently saw a T-shirt that read, “I thought getting old would take longer.”

I can definitely relate.

All of a sudden, it dawned on me that my lofty dream of entering the Miss America pageant “someday when I get the time” has officially crashed and burned. In fact, I may have even missed the boat for the “Miss America Old Bat” division—assuming there is one, which frankly seems like a missed marketing opportunity.

Meanwhile, my body appears to be falling apart one creaky piece at a time. Just when I’ve grown accustomed to the arthritis in my hands, my back decides to stage a protest. My favorite childhood memory changes from “running barefoot in the grass chasing fireflies” to “my back didn’t hurt.” Then, my heart jumps in for dramatic effect. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I find myself rummaging around the house looking for my reading glasses…so I can read the LARGE PRINT on something.

These days, a good portion of my social life revolves around the various doctors’ offices where I’m now a regular. I know the receptionists, the nurses, and the other patients in the waiting room. We nod knowingly at each other like members of a very exclusive club.

Still, I recently heard a comforting thought: I no longer have to worry much about being sentenced to life in prison for a crime I might commit. After all, there’s not that much time left.

Not that I’ve really been losing sleep over the possibility of a life sentence before—but it did get me thinking about the advantages of growing older.

After hours—okay, a few minutes—of intense internet research, here are some of the highlights:

1. You can call it a “senior moment” and get away with pretty much anything.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends. They can’t remember them either.

3. Whatever age you are is officially the new 40.

4. Your failing eyesight is nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you pass a mirror.

5. Tossing and turning all night now counts as exercise.

6. Your childhood toys are suddenly collectibles—and worth money.

7. You don’t have to eat healthy food. At this point, you need all the preservatives you can get.

8. You could press your Life Alert button just to see how many firefighters show up. (Not that I’m saying I would… but it’s nice to know the option exists—especially if the firefighters are hunks.)

9. You don’t need to say, “Age is just a number.” Mostly because you can’t remember the number anymore.

10. By the time you retire, you finally know what you want to be when you grow up.

11. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way—you’ve already done it.

12. Anything you buy now probably won’t have time to wear out.

13. You actually enjoy hearing about other people’s surgeries.

14. You can throw a party, and the neighbors won’t even notice.

15. Your lifelong investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

16. You no longer worry about holding in your stomach. That ship sailed years ago.

17. People respect you for graduating from school without the internet.

18. Your brain transitions from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the heck—let’s see what happens.”

19. When someone tells you to slow down, it’s the doctor—not the police.

20. And best of all, people finally stop calling you a hypochondriac.

Come to think of it, growing old isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. As for me, I plan to live forever. So far, so good.

And remember: old age is always fifteen years older than you are.