It’s that time of year again when my mailbox is crammed with Christmas catalogues for all kinds of junk I didn’t even realize existed. I always have to leaf through each and every catalogue page by page lest I miss something unique and important that someone on my Christmas list just has to have. Unfortunately, I always get stuck wasting a lot of time on the pages featuring the T-shirts with witty sayings. To save you some time, I have made a list of some of the more memorable ones. Enjoy:

  1. Let’s assume I’m right. It’ll save time.
  2. How to handle stress like a dog: If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.
  3. I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
  4. To my children: Never make fun of having to help me with the computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon!
  5. Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
  6. I can’t believe how old people my age are.
  7. I’m a lead paint, no seat belt, garden hose drinking survivor.
  8. I don’t like to brag about expensive trips, but I did just get back from the gas station.
  9. 90 percent of being married is yelling “What” from the other room.
  10. My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece with a biscuit.
  11. I’m not arguing, I’m explaining why I’m right.
  12. Moses was the first person downloading data from the cloud.
  13. Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.
  14. I don’t have ducks in a row. I have squirrels and they are everywhere.
  15. In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
  16. Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.
  17. Sometimes I talk to myself. Then we both laugh and laugh.
  18. I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
  19. I used to be a people person until people ruined it.
  20. I don’t mind getting older but my body is taking it badly.
  21. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
  22. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
  23. I don’t really rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best.
  24. I thought I saw a spider, but it was just a piece of yarn. It’s dead yarn now.
  25. My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.
  26. Sometimes I stay inside because it’s too peoply out there.
  27. I don’t approve of political jokes. Too many of them get elected.
  28. I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this old before.

And my favorite ones as a writer:

  1. I’m silently correcting your grammar.
  2. My life is a series of obstacles preventing me from reading my book.

Let me know which one you like best!